solstice.

The rhythms of my life seem to ebb and flow. Maybe this is as it should be. The Earth moves through her cycles, so I move through mine. I wax and I wane. I rise and I set. It is the Solstice. That time when the sun shines the longest and then gradually begins to fade. Though we are at the height of summer and I rejoice in that, this time of year still brings me sadness. Is it the letting go? I don’t necessarily have difficulty with letting go. Perhaps it’s the turning back in as we enter the waning half of the year. A cause for self reflection. I have been feeling that a bit.

I am just shy of 4 months pregnant. A conception that we asked for, though it has been a very difficult one. I have been so sick with this pregnancy that it has left me rather desolate. Winter passed to Spring and opened to Summer all while I lay miserable in bed. Everyone suffered. And now, as I finally begin to come back to myself, life and living take hold of me forcefully, leaving not much time for breath or quiet moments, or things I know are necessary before we welcome another baby into this home.

Leelu is not yet weaned. I am trying but she is attached. And if it were not for this pregnancy I wouldn’t concern myself with it, but I and this new babe need the nutrients. Leelu nurses for comfort and I love her for that. I pray to the Goddess that I do right by her when this baby comes.

With the sickness of the pregnancy I put everything on hold. My classes were over. I took hiatus from all writing work, no sewing, no study, no farming (Niko took that over). I am still barely cooking. And now that I am coming back to myself I find I am reassessing. What is important? What is necessary? I am easily overwhelmed and cannot handle multiple tasks or projects. We are trying to prepare the house to put on the market and are still in negotiations with the owner of the land that we love. That is a very high priority right now. Yet at the same time I am feeling called to teach again, to heighten the Goddess and her work in my life and share that with others. I miss yoga. I miss my practice, which has been nonexistent these last few months. With Leelu I was teaching until I was 7 months along. This time around my body is in a whole new spectrum of (not-so) wellness.

I feel a crossroads of knowing exactly where I am going in my life but not fully what I am (or will be) doing when I get there; of needing to know my purpose again. My “I am”. I am so many things.

I turned 35 on Tuesday. (As my sister says, “half way to 70” 🙂 ) I feel no qualms about age. I am happy with aging and accept it with all the grace I can muster. But there is still a lingering discontent. Yet, just the thought of trying to figure out why makes me all shades of nervous. One thing. Just pick one thing and focus. Is this an impossible task for a Gemini? Maybe the last few months of being mostly bedridden was a blessing in disguise. A time where I had no choice but to let everything go and “do” nothing.

So my Solstice lesson and practice: Rejoice and be present in what is. Change is the natural way of things. Let it go and flow. Everything comes full circle~ the seasons of the Earth and the seasons of your Soul.

Blessed be to your and yours on this Holy Day.

a sigh of relief.

A letter for my Circle Sisters:

Dear Sisters,

It is just past midnight as I write this, mere hours since I left you. I thought that I would come home after this night, and breathe a sigh of relief at having my life back. My mind, my heart, all of space and time which has been yours, albeit willingly. It is finished. I did it. We did it. So much of me went into this project, and I know you felt it. My family has missed me. I must learn how not to pour myself in so deeply but it would not have been what it was, or what it will continue to be, had I not. I must learn balance if I am to continue on this Path. But, yes, the sigh of relief. I suppose it is still there but for a different reason. I could cry at the joy that we all experienced in each others presence. I could cry for the bonds we made and the hearts we opened. I could cry for the magic. And that is the sigh. That is where it comes from. That with courage of the unknown I set out to explore the boundaries of myself while holding your hands and taking you with me. That we held space together in sheer faith alone, not knowing what would become of it, or us. That we discovered deep within our souls what many of us had been missing: Sisterhood. I am honored. You have blessed me every step of the way. My sigh of relief is that there exists such magic. I knew it in my heart. Thank you for reminding me.

With love and the deepest gratitude, ~B

imbolc with my sisters.

Tonight was supposed to be the last Session of my Spirit Flow workshop. The weather decided to change our plans however and a decision was made to postpone for a week. .While closing our Sessions out this Holy Day was meant to be significant to the overall process, I know that everything happens for a reason. So while the snowy weather and icy roads kept many of my Sisters at home for a cozy fireside celebration with their families, 4 of us ventured out to meet in the thick of it, and had a very beautiful gathering time. Our yoga mats set up to perfectly mimic Brigid’s cross, we practiced in silence with our breath and my guided instruction. My IPOD, which had been plugged in at home, malfunctioned in some way and had zero charge, so there was no music to be had. It turned out to be best though, because one of the women present just needed the silence and the support of the rest of us. Because of the small group she was able to open up about something she’d been holding for awhile. She has been standing in the flames and her transformation has been overwhelming. We 3 were there to hold the space so that she could see her way through. It was a necessary and beautiful night and I’m glad I didn’t give into the whim and not go out.

My friend Jen brought her tarot cards and both my fiery sister and I got readings. Jen is so good and so very connected. I remember when readings used to flow out of me like they flow out of her. I hope to be there again one day. But until then, Jen serves as a beautiful inspiration and guide for me. My cards spoke of blocks to be uncovered. Creativity demanding focus and choices to be made. And of reclaiming my feminine divinity. That while these classes that I’ve offered have changed everyone so deeply on so many levels; in the end, the process has really been for me. And I know that that is true. And I am beyond grateful for it and the beautiful women that allowed that process to take shape and show its true form.

Here is to the light that shines bright within us all. And to the coming sun that continues to strengthen towards Spring.

dream good. stay glad. and wake up and fight.

Those are the words of Woody Guthrie from a list of new years intentions for 1942. Here’s the whole page.

woodyguthrie He has a lot of good zingers on there, but the 3 above are my favorite.  Although my New Year happened on Samhain, I cannot help but be involved in the year passing. 2014. Wow. It seems so futuristic and space age to me. 2013 was good for us. It brought a lot of clarity, acceptance, and needed change. It showed us what we didn’t want, and that hard work is the only way to get what we’re asking for. We’re not afraid. Bring it on. 2013 taught me to be more authentic and gave me the courage to do so. I’m going to continue that momentum for this year ahead. But the only real intention that I set for myself was this:

Take time to Love and Be Loved everyday.

I was sitting outside milking the goats tonight and that is what I kept thinking about. Sometimes I am so bothered by the needs of others. Just let me be. This is not a positive way to move through my days. I am not being bothered. I am being loved. The tugs on my shirt. The mommy, mommy, pleeeaase. My husband groping me affectionately, or my 16 year old needing a ride to a friends house. These are things that are family. I love my family. I am grateful for my family. 6 months ago, I almost lost my family. And I don’t want another day to go by without showing them the love that they deserve. That goes for myself too. I need to open myself to being loved.

So much is moving for us. Our visions are manifesting more now than they ever have before. We have been working for it. We have been asking. Our dreams are coming true. Sure we still have a ways to go. But we can see it in the distance. And it is breathtaking.

Presently, I am leading a workshop for women. We are coming up on the 3rd week out of 7. They are more magical than I dreamed. These women are amazing and each class is better than the last. We are inspiring the love out of each other and it is exciting to see so much hope in the Feminine. I was scared. But I did it anyway. And I am so glad I did.

I rededicated both my journal and my altar for the new year. I also made a Vision board and it is hanging on our office wall so that my husband and I see it everyday. I have great hope for the year ahead.

Namaste’ and Blessed be. Thank you for allowing me to be apart of your community.

creating an altar

creating an altar

sacred_collage

 

standing in the deep.

At Samhain I worked a spell asking in one work a wish that I wanted to claim. My word that I cast forth unto the flame was Witch. I’ve been working on standing in the essence of who I am. It is not an easy thing to do, for any of us, but it is necessary. When I wrote the word witch on that paper, I was ready to mean it. I wanted it with my whole being. The Wild Woman. The Healer. The Priestess. The Mother. The Steward. The Sister. The Human. The Goddess… and so much more does it mean to me… And from that moment, it has been a steady path of discovery. Both loving and challenging. In the 6 years of my marriage my husband’s family have not known that part of me. They do now. They are Christians by the Book. They are dealing with it difficultly, but they are dealing with it I hope. The revelation has served to open up a dialogue between my husband and his mother. And he, as always has been beautiful and brilliant in dealing with this new challenge. He sees it as ever a learning opportunity and comes from a place of compassion when talking with his parents. I am blessed to have him at my side. I’ve also been actively taking steps toward my visions of the future. Niko and I both have. I made a huge vision board on Samhain as well, and then the following day announced a workshop that I would be holding from Solstice to Imbolc, bringing yoga and ritual into 7 mini retreats. It is an area I’ve wanted to explore for a very long time, but always let things stand in my way. Ever since the accident (bad car wreck back in late June, with my girls) I just decided that I can no longer live half a life. And so I move forward even if I cannot see what will come. So, in 3 weeks I will begin this journey with 15 other women. It’s been a lot of work so far and will continue to be. And I must be honest in saying that I am nervous. Very. But it is an active step in my Priestess journey and a smaller piece of the bigger picture that Niko and I see in our future. You just have to begin. The darkness is deep right now. I can feel it holding me and nurturing me as we move towards the Solstice. Things are happening. Life is happening. And I am striving to move into it with courage and grace.

Embrace the darkness, my friends. And prepare to welcome back the light.

writing down my story.

I have never attempted to write down my story, but recently I have been inspired to do so. It is my own Healing Spell, to write it down, and it was quite the emotional ride to get here. It turned out kind of prose-y which I was surprised about. I haven’t written a poem in years. It was a beautiful awakening. Of course, the whole of a woman’s life can not possibly be conveyed in a single story, all at once, but I hope that this attempt brings a step toward Light for all of us. This is a long one, so I thank you in advance for taking the time to read it.

Then again, perhaps the whole of a woman’s story can be told at once. In a single word. In one of the most beautiful and all encompassing words, if she is ready… Goddess.
)O(

When I was a little girl
I would dig my hands in the dirt
and make mud pies with my grandma’s good silver.
I would swing on the anchors of giant ships
docked outside the windows of my playground
and walk barefoot on sharp rocks and hot sand
to make stronger the callouses on the soles of my feet.
I would spend hours brushing my grandma’s
long, thick, silver hair,
which by the way, turned that color before her 20th birthday
and put on her red lipstick in front of a gilded mirror bigger than I was.

My great grandmother was a Witch, and she
would feed me cherries, covered in chocolate,
covered in secrets, in her tiny bedroom
with a closet that I was sure
led to secret gardens, even though
I could never find them.

When I was a little girl my sister and I
would chase rainbows running barefoot
for miles.
You could do that then.
We were lucky and had a blessed
early childhood.
We were raised in the womb of
the Mother Ocean
and saw the sun rise and set
as fisherman’s daughters are aught to do.

When I was 5 I stood on my mother’s bed
and watched my father drive away
with tears in my eyes.
She loved him. She did. But she was young and
did not know how to be happy in that love.
He loved her.
But he did not know how to fight for her.

2 years later and there was a drunk man
in my mother’s bed who was soon to become my stepfather.
I still dug my hands in the dirt and ran around
chasing rainbows.
My parents were formed by stories of their own.
2 lost souls who were left seeking.
Searching for love when they had it all along.
Poor things.

Alcoholism is a dark shadow and we were standing in it
with feet on broken glass in too many late night stakeouts
In our pajamas. At 2am. Sunken down in the backseat of the car
outside the bar where there is no place for children.
It was a time of Lies and Deception and a sad role model for 2
young girls learning to be women.

When I was 10 I sang in the choir. I met a man named Jesus and
I liked him, I did. He was a pretty righteous dude.
My mom met him too, but I guess he was having a bad day because
her version of him did not seem to smile at me.

When I was 11 I met magic by way of a secret circle and dreams of witches.
My best friend, she and I, I and she. We were
Mystical. Magical. And Free.
We wrote poetry and burned candles. We consulted
spirits and danced in awe of the stars.

At 12 I was happy because my mother was leaving him.
But then my little sister came. I loved her, and Wow.
What magic comes from such misery.
He tried to change
but for me it was. too. late.
When she turned 2, I gave her a plastic wand
tapping her nose and wishing her Love.
My step dad broke it. And me. With harsh words at excessive volumes.

At 13 I lost the One Pure Thing that was Mine to Give.
In the worst possible way.

I cried to the Mother, WHY?!
and on my 14th birthday, the summer before high school
I waded into her waters, heart deep
head just above waves crashing
and cried.
Just. Take. Me.
But She said, NO. You are not finished yet.

My freshman year of high school brought on soul mates old and new.
Deeper insights, bare feet, drumming, Circles and flowers in my hair.
A circle to create love and feel free.
Feel the wind, touch the breeze, hug a tree.

I dug my hands in the dirt and chased rainbows.

One day I came home with a pentacle drawn on my hand
and you’d have thought the sky. had. fallen.
My mother’s Jesus panicked
And reacted with a force.
I finally felt Happy.
But she said, NO. It was the wrong way.
Words like, devil, evil, heathen, satanist and witch, spit off her tongue
like wildfire trying to catch the hem
of my flowered skirt.

So I lied.

To just have peace. However false.
Because I loved her
and wanted to be loved by her.
But there was too much magic that poured
out of me and that JOY could
not be hidden.
One day while away, I “saw” my mother in my bedroom,
finding my secrets.
She called me home
laid out my crystals, spells scrawled on parchment,
books on witchcraft, magic, the Goddess.
She made me sleep on her bedroom floor
while she, my aunt and the pastor of their church
banished the spirits of evil with holy water
and prayed over my tortured soul.
Poor things.

She took me out of school and put me in the church
where the pastor cum psychiatrist desperately tried
to convince me of the devils way
in my heart.
I tried to explain. but they would. not. listen.
So I lied.
I claimed reform.
And I got to go back to school.
But there were private eyes with baseball bats
labeled as reporting teachers and guidance counselors.
Why could they not just let me be.
I made the honor role. I didn’t do drugs.
Who was I hurting?
I left school in the middle of the day and did not go home.
Instead I went to the woods and
spent the night with the stars. It was Samhain.

When I saw my mother 2 days later
she swore I was high
but no, it was much simpler than that.
I was tired of walking in fear’s shadow.
I was reaching out and owning my Truth.
It was a Path of Purity and Light
and it was my RIGHT.
But still she would not could not see it.
I left home 3 more times
before I went to live with my dad.
He saw the poetry in my soul.
Good Goddess, thank you for that man.
But woman. Oh the woman.
What is it with the women who stand in Fear
and Judgement and Persecution.
My stepmother slapped my face
and ransacked my bedroom
claiming black magic in her house.

It didn’t work out so well there.

But still, my father came through.
We lived on the boat
and were happy for awhile
all under the guise of work.
A fisherman’s daughter I was.
But for a marriage’s sake, he let go of me
and I was on my own. I didn’t blame him.

I was 15.

I worked.
I went to school.
I slept on the beach and on rooftops and on the floors
of friends with blessings for parents.
Somehow I made it.
When I was 16 my mother and little sister moved to Colorado.
My step dad’s home state.
She let me move back into my childhood home with my older sister.
My boyfriend came with me
and one year later I was pregnant.
My dad said abort the mission.
But I could not. I could not.
He was scared. I was too.
Because her father was not a soul mate.
I tried. I did. But love cannot be grown on the
outside when there is so much turmoil within.
So he left me. It wasn’t his fault.
But he left her too.

I needed my mother.

So I gave up my Soul and the ocean’s womb
for my mother’s acceptance and warm embrace.
I went to the mountains.
I gave away my books, my crystals, and cards.
I was doing this. All the way.

I should have known the Goddess
would not let me go that easy.

Because when her skin touched my skin
and our eyes met and our hearts beat out
the incredible sound of absolute Love
oh my Child.
With her by my side I would never again question Divinity.
But still. I was young
and the Reclaiming was not done.
I found yoga and was a step closer to remembering but still
Scared. and Lonely.
Because now I was a mother
18 years old, baby at my breast
Yearning. Yearning. For something.

A man found me. Wanting.
With eyes like diamonds and a purr like a kitten
but a kitten he was not.
For an entire year of my precious daughter’s life
I was abused. Used. and in Fear.
When she turned 2, I ran away.
Again.
This time I was done hiding.
My best friend came.
My sister.
My supernova.
And we drove.
We lived and loved the open road
in a little old travel camper
called Miss Bliss.
Magic surrounded us.
Beauty fell at our feet in drops of stardust
and I remembered. Everything.
We 3 were creating our destiny.
2 soul friends and an ancient wise woman
in the guide of a toddler.
She led the way and taught us a new kind of freedom.

When the road ended,
another journey began
as is the only way.

As for me and my flower child,
we went back to the ocean
then the mountains
then the forests and rivers
the great redwoods
the volcanic islands
one side of this country to another
up down and then back again
until finally
we found ourselves at the foot
of a mountain of the sun
where the flower was born
and it was 10 years later. A decade
of wings spread.
Here now to dig deep roots
and find a different way to live.

There were more trials.
More flames to walk through.
But with my daughter. My best friend. My soul’s Purpose
and the Goddess inside me, beside me
every step of the way
and now
Settled. Happy. The Mystic. The Yogi. The Woman. The Teacher.
Believing again in Me.

And then one day I came upon a man
with magic in his eyes and feathers in his hair
and decided right then and there
I was gonna marry that man.

And I did.

2 years later. In a castle. In a circle of love
With a fire breathing dragon above our heads.
No, really.
2 gypsies that stopped long enough to find each other
and discover a new path.
One to walk together.

My flower is 16 now, My Daisy.
She takes beautiful pictures. Loves music and dinosaurs
and thinks the sun rises and sets in her little sister’s eyes.
My Leelu, who is 2.
My girls, who have and will grow up differently than I did
as I continue to nurture the Goddess inside of them
while allowing them the freedom to choose their own way.

My girls. We 3, who almost
lost our lives this summer past
when a speeding car
ran through red and crashed~
into the boundaries of
life death and the hearts
of my children.
The Goddess was with us that day
because we lived.
When every other possibility would have said otherwise.
We. Lived.
And I am So tired of only living half way
and I will NOT DO IT ANYMORE.

There is a saying Use it or Lose it.
And my Sisters, it is true.
We must practice the Magic.
We must show the Way.
We must walk the Path.
We must not allow Fear to block Our Truth.
The path to forgetting is not hard
and the road to Remembering is not always easy.
So we must be Strong
We must be Brave
We must Priestess our own Way.

The bliss and blessings
of marriage and motherhood
roots and responsibility
take their own toll on our lives.
We easily get swept up in taking
care of everyone else and the
functions of everyday living.
We forget that there is also the
Spirit and Magic and Mystery
that deserve our attention.

We need our Spirit to shine so
that we are our best
to Priestess ourselves
our family
our world.
We all need ~Remembering Time~

I have not traveled this far to let it go now.

And that Sisters ~ is Why
I stand among you now ~ sharing my story
which is your story which is Her story.
Hands and Hearts joined in this Circle
Of Inspiration. Of Remembrance
That we are Goddesses.
We are
Walking Magic.
Aho.

re-entering the veil.

I keep coming back here. Thinking that I need to release this space so that I can fully embrace myself and move into another space. The space of my family. The space of my farm. The space of my business. The excuse I keep making is that I can share on my home blog what I can share here. That I should be doing so if I am confident on my Path. But that is just not the truth of the matter. I do embrace my Path, especially lately, feeling very strong in its beauty. I’ve just realized lately, almost as an epiphany, that Dancing with Hecate is space for my inner dialogue. This space is for sharing my fears and my joys of a different kind. Just because you can say anything, anywhere, doesn’t mean you should. This is the space where I can explode into stardust, if need be. This is the space where I can share Ritual. I can also share a soap recipe, or my experiences on my farm, but mostly this space is for my dark. And I’m really feeling my dark right now. Maybe it’s because we’re in such a Crone season. Maybe it’s because I am really feeling myself burn through a lot of old trauma and experience. But I am back. And that doesn’t mean that I will write here all the time, because mostly I am living in it. But when I do want to share, I’ll share it here. Thank you, to all of my Sisters (and Brothers) out there. Because I am really feeling you in my life right now. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being present.