priestessing myself.

I have all or nothing tendencies. I feel that if I am not fully in, there is no point being in at all. This reasoning does not serve me, but I have yet to find the balance within myself to make it any other way.

I love what I do and my work is very important to me. I know that I am the right person for this work because I remain humble and in a very pure state of grace when I witness great magic occurring around me, myself largely being a catalyst of that magic. I find so much joy helping others remember their wild, their truth, their fierce grace. And so I’ve been told, am quite good at it. I lovingly accept this complement. Finally. One of my dearest and most beloved Sisters dubbed me “The Reluctant Messiah” (I love you, Linda.) I am often just that. And perhaps, there are reasons we are mirrors for one another. I will show you how you truly shine ~ and you inadvertently show me shining back.

This is a piece of my work, difficult to refer to as a job, but it helps pay our bills so whether I call it that or not, it is what it is. How blessed am I that my passion allows me to put food on the table. Aho to that!

There is so much more inside of me to give. So much that I have to hold it in, because it’s not the right time. For me, social media causes Priestess Envy. Interesting expression, right. But it’s true. I see these amazing women doing their work and making a difference and I am genuinely happy for them. I love to see my Sisters succeed, especially when they are serving as guides and changing lives. But Priestess Envy enters and causes me to feel pain in my heart that I have to limit myself and hold back. I do not have that freedom to give of myself the way they do.

My “Self” has already been given. I made that offering when I said yes to nurture seeds in my belly and allow them to transform into living, breathing human beings. I do not regret that offering and will stand firm when I say Motherhood is the greatest blessing we can have, and also the greatest blessing we can give. I know there are mothers out there that can still give and keep giving of their gifts and do so beautifully even when their children are young. I am simply not one of them. I have tried and tried to find the balance to do so. It is not within me. Not presently anyway. Who knows how I could grow. But right now my all or nothing brings unhappiness to the latter party, and that is simply not acceptable.

I posted an article on FB semi-recently about this entitled, “Mama-Priestess” (find it HERE) and it posed the question, “Can we do both?” I truly believe that some can. I can. But doing and being present while doing is a different matter. I believe that when my children are older I can find better balance. And of course, I am Priestess, whether I am changing lives and guiding the way for my sisters or changing diapers and preparing lunch for my family.

Right now I must choose. I cannot have both. Not the way I do it.

My work is very special. I know it. But my most important work is Mother. I will always be able to return to the Path of Priestess and the work that women need. But childhood is fleeting. It is precious. And it is gone before we know it. I see that so clearly in the eyes of my beautiful 18 year old daughter that I still remember looking down into at my breast. I see it as I look into my 4 year old’s eyes, and snuggle my 11 month old in my embrace, and know very likely that one more precious baby will come sooner or later. I know ~ and I choose to be their all.

I honor my Sisters that can find the balance to do both. And I celebrate and give thanks to my Sisters who are giving their all to the Priestess Path. The ones who have no children at their breast (perhaps only just yet) or the ones whose children are grown, because they are the ones that mothers like me need. When I am exhausted and spent from giving all I have to give to these blessed creations that call me mommy, and I have nothing left but still must give and give, they are the ones that come along and hold me up. And they carry me along. And they fill me and love me and honor me for the work that I do. They shine the mirror. And I say, Thank you, Mother.

And so, with these words, I close the door for a little while. I hold the key very close to my heart because the time will come again to open it.

It is time to Priestess myself. It is time to Priestess my family.

I am so grateful for all of the Paths that I get to walk. I am grateful for new beginnings. I am grateful for dark spaces. I am grateful for change. I am grateful for you. I am grateful for me. I am grateful. I am grateful. I am grateful.

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a bit of truth telling.

Being vulnerable is often the answer to many things. But like many answers, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. I’ve been immersed lately in a forced vulnerability. My own force. The Universal Force. Goddess Force.

Goddess Talk.

Thoughts running through me that won’t shut down. Compelling me to write it out. Well here I am with my pen. We’ll see where we end up together.

(Little arms are moving at the top of the bed. Soon the words that want to come will have to be put aside because… Mother. And that is that.)

My work is to inspire. I know that. And it happens in a myriad of ways. To inspire I must first live inspired. To teach depth I must go deeper.

thewildsoul.netI’ve seen the quote, “Be your own Guru” more than once, but recently it started speaking to me with kind of an exasperated sigh and a shake of the head. And I started to watch and listen more closely to my inner talk. I’ve been idolizing. Super hero status-ing. Pedestaling. I’ve been wanting more from and for my ego self. Feeling pulled to others out there. Feeling attached to ideas about them and about myself in regards to them. They are feelings of desire not to be someone other than myself but to be recognized by other for being myself. I feel very vulnerable and exposed for this admittance. It is not something that I am proud of (to feel the need for that recognition/acceptance) but I am not necessarily ashamed of it either, and honestly I am just trying to understand it. Where is it coming from? My awareness and acknowledgement of it is a starting point. Interesting. There is a humbling humility.

I have the great blessing of knowing amazing women. Beautiful, wise and wild goddesses whose hands I can physically hold and faces I can touch. I have the great blessing of being one of these women to others. My Sisters, oh how I am grateful! And yet… I find myself still going to that place. Like I’m missing out on something.

This is big work for me lately. Beautiful faces and enchanting words through books and social media lead me to call guru to these forces outside of myself. Let me be clear. These amazing women are not asking to be idolized or worshiped. They are only doing their work, the same as I do mine. It is me doing the projecting. And I am an awakened woman (and still I awaken). I fully stand in my beautiful wild awesome nature and claim it. My task then, is to allow myself to be the seeker without needing to befriend the master (again, my words, my projections.) To be content to be in the wider circle of feminine awakening without being in “their” personal circles. To live more in the present moment. MY moments. Because they are goddamn beautiful moments and I am so unbelievably blessed to live them.

I am a beautiful human being. I have a beautiful family and community. I have beautiful gifts to share and I share them beautifully. I live in a beautiful place and my bare feet touch a beautiful earth. Ultimately, She is my guru. Earth. Nature. Goddess. Myself. We are the same.

And so with these last words, I am releasing you. You amazing, awe-inspiring she-gurus. You will keep doing your brilliant work and I will keep doing mine. I am drawn to you because we are mirrors. I am drawn to your magic because you show me mine. Yes, I would love to hug you and kiss your sweet face for that. And that’s okay. But… it’s okay. We don’t need to meet. I don’t need to be your Circle and you don’t need to be mine. I release my attachment to that. I thank you for your truth. Your wisdom. I thank you for living it. I will continue to be inspired from it, but my path will not be determined by it. I bow to this inner wisdom and thank you so humbly for these lessons.

Jai Ma. Namaste. Blessed Be.

clara’s story.

The Conception and Pregnancy

Taken on my due date, December 6th, 12 days before she came earthside. Unfortunately this is the last belly picture. Everything happened so quickly that photos were forgotten.

Taken on my due date, December 6th, 12 days before she came earthside. Unfortunately this is the last belly picture. Everything happened so quickly that photos were forgotten.

I set the intention for this pregnancy in January surrounded by a group of women that exuded the feminine divine. I was pregnant mid March. The nausea started and didn’t stop for the entire 1st trimester, all day all night. It was havoc on my household. Everyone suffered. After that I got a month long sinus infection that was taken to pneumonia status. It seemed my health would never return. But it did eventually and I had a decent 6th and 7th month. The 8th month however was brutal. I got sick again, was not gaining weight and there was talk of c-sections for the babies safety. I put out gobs of prayer requests, set up an altar at home for the baby and did everything within my power to take care of myself. I prayed that I would go past my due date when it seemed that all odds were against it. The doctor that my midwife sent me to said I would never make it to my due date and if she were me she would just have a c-section. My midwife, upon hearing of my determination to have my baby at home no matter what, gave me a wincing face and would not share my faith in positive thinking.

Even through this crazy chaos, I was so grateful for this life inside me.

Blessedly I have an amazing husband and a group of phenomenal friends and family that all shared my faith.

I was set to defy my doctor and midwife of their reasoning and put myself into the hands of Spirit. I had daily conversations with the baby asking him/her to hang out until we were both ready for the healthiest birth. My due date came and went and I slowly started to feel better and more positive. I felt ready. I was 12 days late.

The Birth Day

The previous day (Wednesday) I’d been having lower back pain for a large portion of the day. I told Niko that I felt positive we would go into labor the next day, Thursday. Thursday dawned well after having mild contractions all night around 45 minutes apart. I felt good. I felt great actually. Daisy wanted to stay home but I told her no. I’d call her if things got serious.

My midwife called me early morning to see how I was doing and I told her about the contractions, that they were still far apart but I felt positive. She then proceeded to tell me if I didn’t have the baby by my 2 week late date (Saturday) she was required by law to send me to the hospital for care, and that we had to schedule a diagnostic ultrasound immediately because again it was required by law and if they deemed the baby less than 100% passing on their “test” they would send me in for induction immediately even if we hadn’t hit that 14 days. I told her my baby was fine. I was fine. I wasn’t comfortable going for the ultrasound but she said there was no choice. She then proceeded to tell me that her most recent client went 2 weeks over, failed the diagnostic, was induced at the hospital and after a horrendous labor had to have a c-section.

Yes. That is how she claimed my lovely morning and relaxed peace of mind. And I let her.

When I hung up the phone with her I was in tears. A complete basket case. My husband was amazing, as usual. He did what he could to calm me down. Told me we’d fire the midwife if necessary and that everything would be ok. We talked about the repercussions of everything and decided to just be in the moment as much as possible. At that point my contractions had stopped. Completely. Thank you, dear Midwife. I’d just read not hours before about trying to stay as relaxed as possible when contractions began to help along labor. I’d been spun in the complete opposite direction.

I sent out prayer/magic requests for the second time and asked Niko if we could go for a walk. So we put Leelu in her stroller and walked for more than an hour. It felt good and began to relax me again. The contractions returned 45 minutes apart. When we returned from our walk my friend Laura came over with some essential oils, a talisman, and love. She saged me and we meditated on some childbirth verses for awhile. Then she told me that she felt I should eat something comforting. That my body wanted to be fed something decadent. So she went and got me a slice of heavenly chocolate cheesecake from our neighborhood health food store. She had no idea that I’d been on a crazy strict diet for the last month plus of no chocolate or sugar, among other things and that cheesecake was probably JUST what my body was asking for. After she left it was around 2:30. I allowed time for some intimacy with my beloved, for the sake of ripening my cervix. (tmi? I’m all for full disclosure.) I was determined. Contractions were still 45 minutes apart.

He left for the store around 3:15 and called my sister to tell her where we were with everything because she was to be present for the birth. He told her it would probably still be hours (because that’s what I told him). My guestimate was 8ish. I hadn’t called my midwife back at that point because I was still 45 minutes apart and was feeling good again. I didn’t want to jinx it. Leelu was napping and Daisy got home a little after 3:30. I was in bed and we talked about our day. She started timing my contractions around 3:45 or so. At that point they started speeding up. Dramatically. I still felt it would be awhile though. I did the dishes, talked about showering and vacuuming, but when Niko got home I told him there would be no time to set up the birthing pool and he needed to call the midwife because my contractions were less than 5 minutes apart. THAT fast. It was somewhere around 4:20… My sister arrived and I was in the bathroom. I had her lay down a shower curtain on the living room rug and top it with a soft blanket. I was down to less than 2 minutes apart.

A very dark photo, taken from my phone. There are no others to show the magic we experienced. But that's ok. They are ingrained in our hearts.

A very dark photo, taken from my phone. There are no others to show the magic we experienced. But that’s ok. They are ingrained in our hearts.

Daisy took Leelu to our neighbors house (I’d given Leelu the option of staying) and when Daisy came back I was on all fours having decently wicked contractions. I felt I needed to push and did. I told Niko to take my pants off (yes, I still had them on. I could only think so far ahead 🙂 ) and look to see what was going on. My sister looked and saw the baby’s head crowning. With the next contraction I pushed her head out and Carrie reached in to help me deliver the rest of her. All in one single one minute long contraction. She was so ready. She was born into my sister and husband’s arms around 4:40 (no one thought to look at a watch) with my little sister and oldest daughter present. She was perfect and it was out of control magical. The midwife showed up about 15 minutes later and delivered the placenta and took care of the rest of the story 🙂 She and the doula stayed for the next couple hours and I was glad when she was gone. The pregnancy had been difficult. The worry and stress probably more than I’ve ever experienced, But the birth was perfect and our little Clara Magdalene is here, 7 lbs, 7 ozs. She latched onto my breast beautifully and slept most of her first night in the world, giving her mommy more sleep than I’ve gotten in a long time.

This girl is a remarkable piece of a Divine Plan. Thank you to everyone that played a part in the magic.

My 3 girls <3

My 3 girls ❤

The day after...

The day after…

2 blessed weeks old

2 blessed weeks old

the soul fire.

(This post has been adapted from a FB feed that I am apart of~ but I feel it’s essential to the work that I’m doing here, and I wanted to share it with you.)

I woke up this morning around 12:45, my head full of wows, sighs, and aHa’s after meeting with my A.C. (accountability buddy) yesterday evening for this business/soul purpose course I’m taking (MEAN Business: Turning Passion into Profit~ check it out, it’s AMAZING). After another half hour of no sleeping I decided to get up and write this down. I have been asking for time. Well, it’s after midnight and everyone’s sleeping but me. Hello opportunity. Take it.

So here’s the thing: From the beginning I wasn’t even sure I should be a part of this course. All these beautiful people knew exactly what they wanted (so I thought) and I just have a jumbled idea of what makes my heart sing. But after emailing with Jacqui (the genius behind MEAN Biz), she gave me courage to give it a shot, and she would do her best to serve as my guide.

I must admit that the first couple calls still had me flailing. The niche call left me spinning. The story call had me gasping for air. All of these little pieces from each call kept filling my head. “What am I a master of?” “Dabbling is deadly.” “First thought, best thought.” “Take big leaps.” “Kill the darlings.” “Get on your knees everyday.” “Start with the end in mind.”

When it came down to it though, even just filling out the pre-questionaire allowed me to gain a little more insight. It forced me to look at myself, my wants, my needs. And after these weeks of just trying to write things down and hash it out with my 2 A.B.s, I’m actually starting to feel like I am traveling in a certain direction. My first real aHa moment was last night when I was sitting with my beautiful sister, (and fellow course taker) Lauren. Sewing is a hobby. Wham! Yes it brings me a little bit of money and helps me release some creative energy but it’s not my WORK. This realization for me was huge and had me reeling. I love this craft. I love seeing and hearing people’s excitement when they love said craft. But Lauren helped me see that it was not this that I was focusing on. It was my teaching, my workshops, my Priestess work. (Full disclosure: Lauren has experienced these things directly as we are neighbors, friends and have had a teacher/student relationship in the past). I also expressed to her my discouragement that I felt out of the present moment with the course because everything is so active and I felt like I was on hold. (New baby due in December leads me to question immediate future in business.) But she helped me see how I could put these last couple months of “cooking” time to work for me. Seriously. I am in awe of what I feel right now. Also considerably freaked out to have my Gemini brain feel such focus. Total awesomesauce.

So I’m laying in bed not sleeping~ thinking about how these revelations completely change the way I will function on a daily basic. My “ideal day”. How I spend Leelu’s naptime. Even the books I check out from the library!

And I don’t have to stop sewing. It’s an important hobby and outlet, and will help generate income and interest in my farm and service in some instances. But it’s not my focus and not where I’ll put my energy anymore. I KNOW something definitive now. The what what. Fuck. I’m blown away.

There was something else that helped this come clear as well. Someone posted a comment in another feed about your purpose being light… feeling light around your service. And I realized that while I have a total blast working festivals and selling my wares~ when I come home from a workshop that I’ve lead, I feel ecstatic. I am HIGH from the magic and energy and utter JOY that I just experienced with those women. And then to realize that this is part of my STORY, that it always has been, that it’s part of my transformation, my first thought, best thought DECADES ago… Holy Wow.

And so now to hone that feeling, that vision. Make it my true north. Start with the end in mind.

My soul is on fire.

 

Love deeper.

On the new moon I wrote a letter to my husband. We hadn’t exactly been seeing eye to eye for awhile. It’s been a difficult time in my house as of late. Raw emotions running wild. So in honor of the moon and my family’s well being and happiness, I made intentions to clear my head, breathe more, and make more of an effort to recognize the rift and try my best to mend it. There is not much more important in this life than those you choose to make your family. This is it. Make it count.

I can happily say that it has been going well. The full moon just past and both he and I have been working with each other to make things better.

Here’s to love and compassion.

just keep swimming.

Sitting down to write yesterday maybe unleashed something in the universe. I hope so. I’d like to believe that my intentions are known in the greater expanse of Spirit even if I cannot seem to organize them in my own personal thought process.

There was a post yesterday on FB about a Women’s drumming circle happening not far from my house. I am not generally one to go out on my own. I have a tendency to be shy and awkward, coming off as ‘stuck up’, or so I’ve been told. Not what you’d expect from a Gemini necessarily. But being that I gave myself permission to write things down yesterday I decided to just do it. “Go Now and Live.” So I asked Niko (a necessary requirement sometimes when the toddler is involved) and he said GO. He knows. He wants me back to the woman he recognizes and respects just as much as I do. So I went, with full courage of stepping out and into the unknown. It turns out I didn’t embark alone after all. One of my Circle sisters was there. Beautiful synchronicity as it was her first time as well, and that we had come separate, yet together in the same purpose, seeking to take care of ourselves. We talked a bit before the circle began and it was so perfect to have her there. To hear her say: “It’s alright. You are allowed to feel this way.” She always had such a grounding presence in Spirit Flow. I said to her once that I felt I should be at her feet, her hand resting upon my head. She has that kind of exuding force of power that is both strong and gentle. We talked a lot about a class that she had attended recently where she was very hurt and disappointed in the teacher. She related it to being with me in Spirit Flow and how perhaps she had been spoiled, but that it also made her realize it is something I should keep doing. Because my attention and care for the students seemed effortless. My presence in the space fully committed. Her words meant so much to me. They always do, when I hear my sisters say how much they were gifted from those sessions. In truth, what they gave to me feels like so much more than I gave to them. And I do so strongly feel that it is part of my calling. My purpose. But it was also all consuming. Again, it is a lesson of balance for me because during those 8 weeks and many months before, I was there fully and barely had a presence at home. And maybe, if I devoted more time, energy and practice to doing Circles and workshops on a regular basis I would feel calmer, more complete, and not moved to be so perfect. My effort may have seemed effortless but it was not in the slightest. I stretched the limits of myself to create magic for those women, because I wanted to. Because they deserved it. How to continue on with something of that, while remaining present in my own home with another being to provide for on the way…

She dreamed I had a girl. And that water was everywhere, flowing in rivers around us. At the time I didn’t think much of it and couldn’t place the significance of the rivers but when I got home I realized how much I’ve needed water lately. I miss my mother ocean. Perhaps I am drying out. I think this is also why this property we’re trying to buy in Western Colorado is also so important~ because of the water flowing through it.

Water is necessary for my existence.

wild woman i seek thee.

These last few months have been so incredibly hard on me. Even now as I sit down to write, which I feel so vital to the healing process, I am overwhelmed at everything I want to get out. So overwhelmed in fact that it almost makes me not even bother. What is that foolishness? I am so easily aggravated lately. So easy to frustration and anger that it hurts. Why? I feel as if I am living half a life right now and it can be nobodies doing but my own. The pregnancy has overwhelmed me. Made me feel like an incomplete parent to my other children, an incomplete wife to my husband. I have been depressed. I don’t remember ever being so depressed. And I suppose 4 months of nausea followed by near pneumonia can do that to a person, but shouldn’t I be rejoicing now that I am better? Shouldn’t I wake everyday with gratitude that I am healthy and alive, able to function like a normal human being again? Why then am I not? Instead I am sad, angry and negative. I feel stagnant and stuck. I need to get over this. 6 months ago, when I ended my Spirit Flow classes I felt exhausted but alive. I felt vibrant and beautiful and in touch with my Wild; soul and body. I am desperately seeking her back. In my classes I suggested to my sisters to call upon Wild Woman as an Archetype, just as they would call upon Isis or Inanna, Mary or Hecate. Call upon Wild Woman as Goddess, as Mother, as Patroness/Matron. Perhaps it is time I come back to those words and seek her myself again, in that form. To bring her back, within me, Call to her.

Wild Woman hear me. Heed my plea. Come to me body, mind, spirit, soul.

Be in my voice as I speak. My steps as I walk. My hands as I create. My heart as I love. My soul as I dance.

Remind me that as I breathe, I am you, you are me. Live on and within my skin, in my breath, my heartbeat.

Come to me. Live in me. I am you. We exist as one.

My challenge lately is balance. Finding it. Allowing mother, wife, to flow freely with what my Spirit seems to be calling for. Creativity in action. Ritual. Spiritual practice. Bringing all these things to happily coexist together. I saw a meme on FB the other day and it said simply, “You have time.” How profound that was for me. It is a mantra that I need to use loudly and often because that is exactly what I feel I do not have. Time. Space. Freedom. If I am mother, nurturer, playmate from the time I rise to the time I fall, where is this time? And with this new baby nesting in my belly I feel even more pressure to find it before it is sucked away again. Do you see? This black hole that I have myself in? This negative space?

Wild Woman come to me, breathe with me.

I have time.

My first answer has been to try to better myself and my children through mothering. I am a good mother, but I could be better. So I am filling myself up with parenting books. Seeking answers outside of myself when maybe I should look within~ I don’t know. But inside seems to be so filled with chaos and confusion that looking without seems to be it for now. Simplicity Parenting, Mindful Parenting, You Are Your Child’s First Teacher, The Creative Family, Seven Times the Sun, Circle Round, The Artful Parent… these are just a sampling of what fills my stack of reading I’ve involved myself with. And yes, they’re helping. When I can find the time to read them.

I have time.

In these works I hope to find an answer to the balance. I want to still be able to live myself while being a good mother. I want to feed my Spirit while bringing Spirit to my children. I want to sew and create without feeling like it’s something I have to do separately. Though knowing that being separate is okay. Daisy is 17, practically her own woman and mostly independent of me. Leelu just turned 3. This new baby is coming in December. I follow these blogs and read these books and even have friends that seem to be able to do these things that I want to do SO well, and usually with more kids than I. It makes me feel incompetent. What can I do? What do I do? Where do I start?

Wild Woman come to me. Embrace me. Feed me. Help me see.