Being vulnerable is often the answer to many things. But like many answers, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. I’ve been immersed lately in a forced vulnerability. My own force. The Universal Force. Goddess Force.
Thoughts running through me that won’t shut down. Compelling me to write it out. Well here I am with my pen. We’ll see where we end up together.
(Little arms are moving at the top of the bed. Soon the words that want to come will have to be put aside because… Mother. And that is that.)
My work is to inspire. I know that. And it happens in a myriad of ways. To inspire I must first live inspired. To teach depth I must go deeper.
I’ve seen the quote, “Be your own Guru” more than once, but recently it started speaking to me with kind of an exasperated sigh and a shake of the head. And I started to watch and listen more closely to my inner talk. I’ve been idolizing. Super hero status-ing. Pedestaling. I’ve been wanting more from and for my ego self. Feeling pulled to others out there. Feeling attached to ideas about them and about myself in regards to them. They are feelings of desire not to be someone other than myself but to be recognized by other for being myself. I feel very vulnerable and exposed for this admittance. It is not something that I am proud of (to feel the need for that recognition/acceptance) but I am not necessarily ashamed of it either, and honestly I am just trying to understand it. Where is it coming from? My awareness and acknowledgement of it is a starting point. Interesting. There is a humbling humility.
I have the great blessing of knowing amazing women. Beautiful, wise and wild goddesses whose hands I can physically hold and faces I can touch. I have the great blessing of being one of these women to others. My Sisters, oh how I am grateful! And yet… I find myself still going to that place. Like I’m missing out on something.
This is big work for me lately. Beautiful faces and enchanting words through books and social media lead me to call guru to these forces outside of myself. Let me be clear. These amazing women are not asking to be idolized or worshiped. They are only doing their work, the same as I do mine. It is me doing the projecting. And I am an awakened woman (and still I awaken). I fully stand in my beautiful wild awesome nature and claim it. My task then, is to allow myself to be the seeker without needing to befriend the master (again, my words, my projections.) To be content to be in the wider circle of feminine awakening without being in “their” personal circles. To live more in the present moment. MY moments. Because they are goddamn beautiful moments and I am so unbelievably blessed to live them.
I am a beautiful human being. I have a beautiful family and community. I have beautiful gifts to share and I share them beautifully. I live in a beautiful place and my bare feet touch a beautiful earth. Ultimately, She is my guru. Earth. Nature. Goddess. Myself. We are the same.
And so with these last words, I am releasing you. You amazing, awe-inspiring she-gurus. You will keep doing your brilliant work and I will keep doing mine. I am drawn to you because we are mirrors. I am drawn to your magic because you show me mine. Yes, I would love to hug you and kiss your sweet face for that. And that’s okay. But… it’s okay. We don’t need to meet. I don’t need to be your Circle and you don’t need to be mine. I release my attachment to that. I thank you for your truth. Your wisdom. I thank you for living it. I will continue to be inspired from it, but my path will not be determined by it. I bow to this inner wisdom and thank you so humbly for these lessons.
Jai Ma. Namaste. Blessed Be.