just keep swimming.

Sitting down to write yesterday maybe unleashed something in the universe. I hope so. I’d like to believe that my intentions are known in the greater expanse of Spirit even if I cannot seem to organize them in my own personal thought process.

There was a post yesterday on FB about a Women’s drumming circle happening not far from my house. I am not generally one to go out on my own. I have a tendency to be shy and awkward, coming off as ‘stuck up’, or so I’ve been told. Not what you’d expect from a Gemini necessarily. But being that I gave myself permission to write things down yesterday I decided to just do it. “Go Now and Live.” So I asked Niko (a necessary requirement sometimes when the toddler is involved) and he said GO. He knows. He wants me back to the woman he recognizes and respects just as much as I do. So I went, with full courage of stepping out and into the unknown. It turns out I didn’t embark alone after all. One of my Circle sisters was there. Beautiful synchronicity as it was her first time as well, and that we had come separate, yet together in the same purpose, seeking to take care of ourselves. We talked a bit before the circle began and it was so perfect to have her there. To hear her say: “It’s alright. You are allowed to feel this way.” She always had such a grounding presence in Spirit Flow. I said to her once that I felt I should be at her feet, her hand resting upon my head. She has that kind of exuding force of power that is both strong and gentle. We talked a lot about a class that she had attended recently where she was very hurt and disappointed in the teacher. She related it to being with me in Spirit Flow and how perhaps she had been spoiled, but that it also made her realize it is something I should keep doing. Because my attention and care for the students seemed effortless. My presence in the space fully committed. Her words meant so much to me. They always do, when I hear my sisters say how much they were gifted from those sessions. In truth, what they gave to me feels like so much more than I gave to them. And I do so strongly feel that it is part of my calling. My purpose. But it was also all consuming. Again, it is a lesson of balance for me because during those 8 weeks and many months before, I was there fully and barely had a presence at home. And maybe, if I devoted more time, energy and practice to doing Circles and workshops on a regular basis I would feel calmer, more complete, and not moved to be so perfect. My effort may have seemed effortless but it was not in the slightest. I stretched the limits of myself to create magic for those women, because I wanted to. Because they deserved it. How to continue on with something of that, while remaining present in my own home with another being to provide for on the way…

She dreamed I had a girl. And that water was everywhere, flowing in rivers around us. At the time I didn’t think much of it and couldn’t place the significance of the rivers but when I got home I realized how much I’ve needed water lately. I miss my mother ocean. Perhaps I am drying out. I think this is also why this property we’re trying to buy in Western Colorado is also so important~ because of the water flowing through it.

Water is necessary for my existence.

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