These last few months have been so incredibly hard on me. Even now as I sit down to write, which I feel so vital to the healing process, I am overwhelmed at everything I want to get out. So overwhelmed in fact that it almost makes me not even bother. What is that foolishness? I am so easily aggravated lately. So easy to frustration and anger that it hurts. Why? I feel as if I am living half a life right now and it can be nobodies doing but my own. The pregnancy has overwhelmed me. Made me feel like an incomplete parent to my other children, an incomplete wife to my husband. I have been depressed. I don’t remember ever being so depressed. And I suppose 4 months of nausea followed by near pneumonia can do that to a person, but shouldn’t I be rejoicing now that I am better? Shouldn’t I wake everyday with gratitude that I am healthy and alive, able to function like a normal human being again? Why then am I not? Instead I am sad, angry and negative. I feel stagnant and stuck. I need to get over this. 6 months ago, when I ended my Spirit Flow classes I felt exhausted but alive. I felt vibrant and beautiful and in touch with my Wild; soul and body. I am desperately seeking her back. In my classes I suggested to my sisters to call upon Wild Woman as an Archetype, just as they would call upon Isis or Inanna, Mary or Hecate. Call upon Wild Woman as Goddess, as Mother, as Patroness/Matron. Perhaps it is time I come back to those words and seek her myself again, in that form. To bring her back, within me, Call to her.
Wild Woman hear me. Heed my plea. Come to me body, mind, spirit, soul.
Be in my voice as I speak. My steps as I walk. My hands as I create. My heart as I love. My soul as I dance.
Remind me that as I breathe, I am you, you are me. Live on and within my skin, in my breath, my heartbeat.
Come to me. Live in me. I am you. We exist as one.
My challenge lately is balance. Finding it. Allowing mother, wife, to flow freely with what my Spirit seems to be calling for. Creativity in action. Ritual. Spiritual practice. Bringing all these things to happily coexist together. I saw a meme on FB the other day and it said simply, “You have time.” How profound that was for me. It is a mantra that I need to use loudly and often because that is exactly what I feel I do not have. Time. Space. Freedom. If I am mother, nurturer, playmate from the time I rise to the time I fall, where is this time? And with this new baby nesting in my belly I feel even more pressure to find it before it is sucked away again. Do you see? This black hole that I have myself in? This negative space?
Wild Woman come to me, breathe with me.
I have time.
My first answer has been to try to better myself and my children through mothering. I am a good mother, but I could be better. So I am filling myself up with parenting books. Seeking answers outside of myself when maybe I should look within~ I don’t know. But inside seems to be so filled with chaos and confusion that looking without seems to be it for now. Simplicity Parenting, Mindful Parenting, You Are Your Child’s First Teacher, The Creative Family, Seven Times the Sun, Circle Round, The Artful Parent… these are just a sampling of what fills my stack of reading I’ve involved myself with. And yes, they’re helping. When I can find the time to read them.
I have time.
In these works I hope to find an answer to the balance. I want to still be able to live myself while being a good mother. I want to feed my Spirit while bringing Spirit to my children. I want to sew and create without feeling like it’s something I have to do separately. Though knowing that being separate is okay. Daisy is 17, practically her own woman and mostly independent of me. Leelu just turned 3. This new baby is coming in December. I follow these blogs and read these books and even have friends that seem to be able to do these things that I want to do SO well, and usually with more kids than I. It makes me feel incompetent. What can I do? What do I do? Where do I start?
Wild Woman come to me. Embrace me. Feed me. Help me see.