The rhythms of my life seem to ebb and flow. Maybe this is as it should be. The Earth moves through her cycles, so I move through mine. I wax and I wane. I rise and I set. It is the Solstice. That time when the sun shines the longest and then gradually begins to fade. Though we are at the height of summer and I rejoice in that, this time of year still brings me sadness. Is it the letting go? I don’t necessarily have difficulty with letting go. Perhaps it’s the turning back in as we enter the waning half of the year. A cause for self reflection. I have been feeling that a bit.
I am just shy of 4 months pregnant. A conception that we asked for, though it has been a very difficult one. I have been so sick with this pregnancy that it has left me rather desolate. Winter passed to Spring and opened to Summer all while I lay miserable in bed. Everyone suffered. And now, as I finally begin to come back to myself, life and living take hold of me forcefully, leaving not much time for breath or quiet moments, or things I know are necessary before we welcome another baby into this home.
Leelu is not yet weaned. I am trying but she is attached. And if it were not for this pregnancy I wouldn’t concern myself with it, but I and this new babe need the nutrients. Leelu nurses for comfort and I love her for that. I pray to the Goddess that I do right by her when this baby comes.
With the sickness of the pregnancy I put everything on hold. My classes were over. I took hiatus from all writing work, no sewing, no study, no farming (Niko took that over). I am still barely cooking. And now that I am coming back to myself I find I am reassessing. What is important? What is necessary? I am easily overwhelmed and cannot handle multiple tasks or projects. We are trying to prepare the house to put on the market and are still in negotiations with the owner of the land that we love. That is a very high priority right now. Yet at the same time I am feeling called to teach again, to heighten the Goddess and her work in my life and share that with others. I miss yoga. I miss my practice, which has been nonexistent these last few months. With Leelu I was teaching until I was 7 months along. This time around my body is in a whole new spectrum of (not-so) wellness.
I feel a crossroads of knowing exactly where I am going in my life but not fully what I am (or will be) doing when I get there; of needing to know my purpose again. My “I am”. I am so many things.
I turned 35 on Tuesday. (As my sister says, “half way to 70” 🙂 ) I feel no qualms about age. I am happy with aging and accept it with all the grace I can muster. But there is still a lingering discontent. Yet, just the thought of trying to figure out why makes me all shades of nervous. One thing. Just pick one thing and focus. Is this an impossible task for a Gemini? Maybe the last few months of being mostly bedridden was a blessing in disguise. A time where I had no choice but to let everything go and “do” nothing.
So my Solstice lesson and practice: Rejoice and be present in what is. Change is the natural way of things. Let it go and flow. Everything comes full circle~ the seasons of the Earth and the seasons of your Soul.
Blessed be to your and yours on this Holy Day.