I have all or nothing tendencies. I feel that if I am not fully in, there is no point being in at all. This reasoning does not serve me, but I have yet to find the balance within myself to make it any other way.
I love what I do and my work is very important to me. I know that I am the right person for this work because I remain humble and in a very pure state of grace when I witness great magic occurring around me, myself largely being a catalyst of that magic. I find so much joy helping others remember their wild, their truth, their fierce grace. And so I’ve been told, am quite good at it. I lovingly accept this complement. Finally. One of my dearest and most beloved Sisters dubbed me “The Reluctant Messiah” (I love you, Linda.) I am often just that. And perhaps, there are reasons we are mirrors for one another. I will show you how you truly shine ~ and you inadvertently show me shining back.
This is a piece of my work, difficult to refer to as a job, but it helps pay our bills so whether I call it that or not, it is what it is. How blessed am I that my passion allows me to put food on the table. Aho to that!
There is so much more inside of me to give. So much that I have to hold it in, because it’s not the right time. For me, social media causes Priestess Envy. Interesting expression, right. But it’s true. I see these amazing women doing their work and making a difference and I am genuinely happy for them. I love to see my Sisters succeed, especially when they are serving as guides and changing lives. But Priestess Envy enters and causes me to feel pain in my heart that I have to limit myself and hold back. I do not have that freedom to give of myself the way they do.
My “Self” has already been given. I made that offering when I said yes to nurture seeds in my belly and allow them to transform into living, breathing human beings. I do not regret that offering and will stand firm when I say Motherhood is the greatest blessing we can have, and also the greatest blessing we can give. I know there are mothers out there that can still give and keep giving of their gifts and do so beautifully even when their children are young. I am simply not one of them. I have tried and tried to find the balance to do so. It is not within me. Not presently anyway. Who knows how I could grow. But right now my all or nothing brings unhappiness to the latter party, and that is simply not acceptable.
I posted an article on FB semi-recently about this entitled, “Mama-Priestess” (find it HERE) and it posed the question, “Can we do both?” I truly believe that some can. I can. But doing and being present while doing is a different matter. I believe that when my children are older I can find better balance. And of course, I am Priestess, whether I am changing lives and guiding the way for my sisters or changing diapers and preparing lunch for my family.
Right now I must choose. I cannot have both. Not the way I do it.
My work is very special. I know it. But my most important work is Mother. I will always be able to return to the Path of Priestess and the work that women need. But childhood is fleeting. It is precious. And it is gone before we know it. I see that so clearly in the eyes of my beautiful 18 year old daughter that I still remember looking down into at my breast. I see it as I look into my 4 year old’s eyes, and snuggle my 11 month old in my embrace, and know very likely that one more precious baby will come sooner or later. I know ~ and I choose to be their all.
I honor my Sisters that can find the balance to do both. And I celebrate and give thanks to my Sisters who are giving their all to the Priestess Path. The ones who have no children at their breast (perhaps only just yet) or the ones whose children are grown, because they are the ones that mothers like me need. When I am exhausted and spent from giving all I have to give to these blessed creations that call me mommy, and I have nothing left but still must give and give, they are the ones that come along and hold me up. And they carry me along. And they fill me and love me and honor me for the work that I do. They shine the mirror. And I say, Thank you, Mother.
And so, with these words, I close the door for a little while. I hold the key very close to my heart because the time will come again to open it.
It is time to Priestess myself. It is time to Priestess my family.
I am so grateful for all of the Paths that I get to walk. I am grateful for new beginnings. I am grateful for dark spaces. I am grateful for change. I am grateful for you. I am grateful for me. I am grateful. I am grateful. I am grateful.