ham sa

Funny thing happened today.

I released yet another label.

How interesting the ego is. How amusing the small self. (There, there small self. I mean no disrespect.)

I have been known (often) to complain about labels. I feel so boxed in by them. And Goddess forbid someone else label me.

For instance, some such labels by friends and others: Shy. Strong. Brave. Bitch. Young grasshopper. Stuck up. Shining. True. The list goes on. And on. Forever. Some nice and flattering. Others… not so much. For one that runs from labels, I, too, give myself a lot of them. Mother. Wife. Teacher. Witch. Poet. Yogi. Designer. Again, the list goes on.

Some of these titles are obvious, and only too natural. (Well, of course I’m a mother.) Even in my introduction to “me”, the title page that holds this blog, I fill your mind (and my own) with labels. This is who I am. See. This. That. These things. Are me.

Not really.

I have been rebelling against these things my whole life. Identifying them with ego, but not fully seeing the action of identifying itself as ego.

Silly girl. Oop. Another one.

Here’s the thing. Labels are not bad. Neither is the ego. There is a comfort in it all. And we humans often rely on our comfort.

So what label have I released this time you might ask?

Witch.

That was a big one. Crazy big. I’ve held on to it FOREVER. It has always held such power, such grace, such simple truth. And then all of a sudden (as happens with most epiphanies), it was gone.

I’m still adjusting, but quite relaxed about the whole thing. Relieved even.

How utterly bizarre. Yet… liberating.

Terrain of the blissfully unexplored.

I have not lost anything. I still am, and everything continues to flow as I continue to walk my Path.

There is a Sanskrit mantra: Ham Sa. I am That.

That. Everything. Divine. God. Goddess. Spirit. Every. Thing. That.

It is the label that is absent of labels.

Let the ego play with that irony for a while.

family values

My family is very important to me, as is the presence of Spirit in my family. My daughter and I are newly married and have been with Nikolai for close to 4 years now. He is my strength, my joy and my salvation for many reasons. He is the only real father my daughter has ever known. The decision to marry him was not taken lightly, however, it was the easiest decision of my life (next to the birth of my daughter). Daisy and I were a family alone for a very long time and we very much lived like gypsies. My husband was a gypsy himself for a long while, but together we’ve seemed to develop some fairly secure roots, with beautiful visions of land and love in our near future.

When I made the decision to marry, I made the decision to keep my faith in my home. That is, not to separate my spirituality from my family. Therefore, I will not join a circle/coven/church without my family there beside me.

Our faiths, while not exact in their beliefs, are still very similar. We both honor the simplicity of our lives and our connections with Spirit. While I sometimes miss a greater community (oddly I miss what I’ve never actually known), I am also thankful not to have the rules or boundaries (or dramas) often set by belonging to such a group.

Daisy and I in her younger years always had a very simple and sweet pagan practice, honoring the cycles with craft and ritual. As she got older and I got less consistent, our practice would vary. And now when she is in such a turbulent time of her growth, our family practice is not what I would like it to be. My husband comes from a wonderful family with a very strong Christian faith. His own faith is open to interpretation, but our values and our quest for Spirit are exactly the same.

Niko and I have an altar in our bedroom and Daisy has her own as well. This way we may all have our own unique connection to Spirit. Recently however, I created a family altar in the living room. I have been hesitant to do this. For one, we have a very small space and already too much  stuff (through we are by no means hoarders). And two, I am very aware of his family (and some of my own as well) when they enter our house. Though it is my home, I have no desire to offend anyone, nor distance my husband from those he loves and respects.

The altar is simple in its construction. A small table against the wall between 2 windows. Not at all in the way. In the center sits a beautiful blue bowl filled with water and a floating candle. The bowl belonged to Niko’s grandmother recently passed (as did the table itself). The water and candle quite obviously represent fire and water (but to others merely is a pretty way to hold a candle.) There are 3 quartz points that point toward the bowl in a sacred triangle to represent the divine feminine. A chocolate mint plant, recently re-potted sits on the upper left, to represent earth (and air), but also to symbolize the growth and well being of our family. As we care for and nurture that plant, so do we care for and nurture our family. On the upper right is a framed image of the Navajo prayer (a shortened version) “Walk in Beauty”. Also to represented air (fire and earth as well), there is our friendly dragon. I fell in love with him at our last Renaissance festival. He is the cutest damn thing, hand made of earthen materials and all fired up in a kiln or what not. That’s how I imagine it anyway. He just happens to be an incense burner. Light a cone in his belly and he blows the smoke out of his nose. We’re dragon people around here. Especially my husband. They are always with him and he always sends them with me to protect me (my angels). He’s written (and is still writing) an entire saga about them. The Tales of Kanigaard. We live there half the time.

Getting back to the subject at hand.

Resting against the plant is an affirmation card that says, “I create the day I make for myself”, and a small box with a butterfly (for transformation) sits toward the front with tiny bits of parchment inside for writing down our wishes/worries to which we either burn or place in our own Goddess boxes (me and Daze) or dragons (Niko).

To the unseeing eye, this table is merely a pretty decoration of nicnacs and such.

But for my family I would like it to be a piece of the sacred. A moment of clarity. A call toward devotion or prayer.

A way for us to celebrate together our sense of Spirit and Divinity. Both within and without.

bits and pieces

It has been 3 quarters since I’ve written in this blog, since Samhain. This entry is mostly a scattered array of thoughts.

Thought 1 ~I’ve recently added some spiritual structure to my life by way of the Red Moon Mystery School. For those of you that know me (or even read this blog every now and then) you are probably aware of my difficulties with authorities, hierarchies, strict religious how-to’s, and rules in general. However, this particular seed was planted a while ago with a glimpse of the name which instantly attracted me ( having a high devotion to women’s blood mysteries) A fellow goddess and reader asked if I was already an initiate of the school because she found much of what I wrote about to have a similar style to the Path. I was not, and that was my first introduction. As fate sometimes works though, it turns out I was already an admirer of the woman’s work through her own blog. It still took me a while to sign on as I am a stubborn advocate of “Please don’t tell me what to do/label to call myself, thank you very much.” The choice was easy really, as communication with this woman was wonderful, and I felt called.

I happened to have the money at the time (which doesn’t happen very often) and am a firm believer in that exchange of energy for a teachings worth. I am entering into my 3rd week now and am enjoying it very much. I am exploring 3 new books that I’ve never read, which is always fun. And while much of the work so far is familiar and repetitive the key for me is the structure and discipline. Neither of which means I am following someone else’s rules (blah blah blah), but instead opening the exploration of my own in a specific and dedicated way. Something I need right now.

Benny

Thought 2~ We have 3 layers out of 5 now, with 2 of them just recently starting. Benny, our runt, was the first one to start. She made the sweetest and tiniest eggs I’ve ever seen. It took us about 15 days to fill a one dozen carton. We did not eat any until the carton was full and it was a very joyful and gracious experience. These girls are family, now becoming much friendlier since readying to lay. Their squatting actions are adorable and they actually allow us to pet them now. They hang out together and squawk for one another if they get separated. They flock to our voices when we’re outside, hoping for something yummy to eat. I am often reminded of Cinderella as she goes to feed the chickens as part of her morning chores. I feel blessed to have this experience. I am grateful for my amazing husband as he deals with all the dirty work of raising them. I just get to sit back and enjoy their presence and now their eggs, with the occasional bitch session about the monumental amount of poo everywhere. Really. Everywhere. There is no sacred space outside anymore. That is, unless you don’t mind stepping in chicken poo.

the first dozen

Thought 3~ Speaking of my phenomenal husband, his birthday is coming up on the 9th and I’ve no idea what to do for him yet.

Thought 4~ Pure exhaustion. I feel it sometimes. I’m overwhelmed by it. I’m grateful for it. I cannot complain. I’m blessed to have a job. I’m blessed to have a yoga studio. I’m blessed to be a teacher and a mother and a wife. I’m blessed to have a home that needs cleaning, food that needs cooking, bills that need paying. Tasks. So many endless tasks. I’m grateful for those too. I’m blessed to have family and friends and students that love me, need me, want me. And I’m blessed with the energy (most of the time) to be able to satisfy them (most of the time). And I’m also grateful for knowing when to say no.

Thought 5~ Babies. Enough said. For now.

Oh blessed Mother, keep my feet firm on this Earth. Ground me deep and rise me up. Allow me to always experience this gratitude with every breath.

So mote it be.

happy samhain

It’s Halloween. When I woke this morning I could feel change in the air. I took the day off today. Normally I always work Sundays but knowing Halloween fell on a Sunday this year I asked for it off months ago.

It’s particularly warm. Very typical for random Colorado weather patterns. But it is still Fall. Blaringly. The wind has blown the leaves off most of the trees. My favorite ones outside our kitchen window are bare. I love those trees. Awful for the foundation of my house, but brilliantly able to depict the magic of the changing seasons.

We carved pumpkins a few days ago, though from now on I think I’ll make it part of the day of’s ritual. One pumpkin in which we carved flames in, the chickens got into, which took away its remaining support and it basically deflated. The other Daisy wanted to carve as Jack Skeleton. 3 days ago he was a success, now his gums have gone soft and he reminds me of my grandpa.

I am very aware of the season. What is outward has definitely taken me inward. I will not be celebrating the Samhain Sabbat tonight with any large group. I was invited to participate in the Samhain ritual of my friends coven held on Friday night but there has been too much pettiness and drama circulating around them lately and I just don’t want any part of it. As a witch alone and very spiritually dedicated to my family, I am blessed to honor these moments as they come. It is not necessary for me to hold esbat the Saturday closest to the full moon so that it works for everyone’s schedules. Instead I can walk outside, lift my arms and sing during that ultimate point of roundness, that beautiful and bountiful belly. This does not make me better or more entitled. As with any person or group, when there is intent there is truth in the practice. I am simply expressing my gratitude for freedom.

each time i took the photo, the light from the flash appeared somewhere different, i thought it was significant so i compiled them.

After a small amount of argument, we decided to buy candy for the trick or treaters. Every year we struggle with this. Because we don’t eat (rarely) this type of junk (ick), or feed it to our children, we have a hard time passing it out freely to others. Plus there’s the awful commercialism of it all. Kids these days (ha! Yes, I did just say that!) know nothing of the true spirit of the season. Even my own finicky little teenager, who knows the symbolism and realities of this wondrous holiday, scoffed at me when I expressed my idea to make little spirit dolls to hand out instead of candy. She didn’t want to be the egged house on the block, (Do kids still do that?!) and of course, she was only thinking of the children. Commercialism won out for the kiddos. I do love seeing them flock around in their costumes. I love dressing up (or not) and sitting on my porch waiting for them to arrive. We’re not much for decorations around here, maybe next year. But the light of grandpa Jack will surely guide their way.

I’ll make chicken pot pie for dinner tonight, and we’ll have a nice feast to ring in the year. Though my potpie contains no actual chicken I know that it is the thought that calls up my ancestral meal and celebrates my southern roots. Spirits are not bound to land, and so should those seafaring relatives of past times wish to visit us here in the Rockies, they are most welcome.

I’ve been thinking a lot about that 8 of pentacles that I pulled a week or so back. About reclaiming my health and having the power within myself to effect positive change on both my body and finances. I know what practicality has to do with my physical well being, but I’m still not sure what it is in relation to the studio. Maybe tonight is a good time to figure it out. The veil is thin, divination is heightened. But mostly it’s a new year and new beginnings are charged. Yesterday I led and participated in a day retreat called ‘Journey to the Soul’. Very appropriate timing. These events are always empowering to me as a woman and a teacher. They bring so many things to light in my heart about what I want to share. We created a soul collage and it was inspiring to see what all of the women found to express. I love collage. This was a little bit different though, as there was no specific intent and I just grabbed what spoke to me. I ended up creating a very powerful image.

This entry has turned random, as most do.

Happy Samhain, ye merry Witches. A very blessed and magical new year!

rite of passage

the quote on the back of our invitations

The wind has been raging this morning, and now a light rain delivers some soft understanding for the purification ahead. This morning as I came into work there was a rainbow. Everything lately seems to signal transformation.

Yesterday was a stunningly beautiful fall day. Earlier when I was running errands a strong gust of wind blew through and my car got pelted with the fire of dancing leaves. I truly love this time of year. It is hard when things become bare, but to watch as nature handles death so gracefully is such a powerful lesson.

Saturday we celebrated Daisy’s Rite of Passage into womanhood. It was a beautiful yet simple ceremony and while Daze expressed mild embarrassment at times, I think overall she enjoyed it. It has been 4 months since the start of her cycle and there’s been a lot of drama going on in her little teenage life. As is to be expected during this late stage of jr. high. I hope that this ritual gave her a sense of empowerment. Surrounded by these amazing and powerful women, honoring their own sense of self worth and offering her a piece of that. We had all ages, from 5 months to late 60′s early 70′s. It was a gorgeous collection of feminine energy and I am honored that they took time out of their day to honor my daughter.

There were many systems of belief present and it was a beautiful thing to be together and acknowledge something that was a part of us all no matter the choice of our god or religion. To be able to commune as women, and recognize the divinity that we all hold, that we all share.

I hope Daisy remembers it. I hope they all do.

a circle of red

pampering the maidens

so she will be 'far seeing'

blurry... but what's a party w/o presents?!

daylight divination

Early morning is my favorite time of day. My mind is clear and calm (most of the time), and my body is relaxed. I like to read or study in the morning because I feel that’s when I can get the most out of it. I can focus and everything just sinks in a little deeper.

I was thinking about my tarot deck and how I’ve really neglected the steps I need to take to further my study of the tool. I recorded in a previous post about my love of the art and how when I was younger it came so naturally, but now I have to work at it because I was away from it so long. And, well, I haven’t been.

The Witches Tarot is my deck. It served me so well long ago. And this new gifted version I love still. Most of the interpretations are pretty obvious and some of the images are down right comical. It differs from many decks in that fire is represented by swords and air by wands. Then there are the court cards which do not stand on their own but serve to modify the card that follows. For example the King of Wands would have no meaning on its own but were it laid before the 3 of Pentacles would tell you that you might possibly be considering becoming pregnant, and though it is not yet conceived, the seed of thought has been chosen and the journey toward it begun.

Being a Gemini, I tend to move on to something new before I fully master what I’m presently working on. I’m trying not to do that with this deck. There is a new deck out there that I really want. But I’ve committed to respecting and honoring the wisdom of how The Witches Tarot found their way back into my hands. I will work with them until I know them again.

This morning I decided to pull just one card. So I shuffled my deck with no particular thought in mind, only open to universal guidance, and I pulled the 8 of Pentacles. The images of the men on the pentacle cards get on my nerves. So I was immediately bothered. They are serious body builder types. Ripped, enlarged muscles, 2 seconds out of the tanning bed. Gross. But then I have to stop whining and appreciate the artist’s obviousness. He is meant to represent the physical, the material. So I move past his bulky nature.

Further affirmation that I was meant to draw this card: Months ago I started writing interpretations for each card on individual post it notes. I had taken them and crumpled them all together. Well when I drew this card I looked at the pile of small yellow papers and I picked up the top one and unfolded it. Sure enough. It was the match for the 8 of Pentacles.

The buff and brawny man represented in this card stands in front of a massive bookshelf filled with volumes of every size. He holds high in each hand large volumes of similar size, like he is lifting weights, or rather showing off his prize. The interpretation of this card is that the mind has a positive affect on the body, which is an obvious deduction by the imagery. It also indicates a sensible health program, again represented. Book sense, physical health. No nerve problems, which is interesting. I suppose in relation to the card, the nerves can be emotional because he is standing in confidence, though that would probably be more related to wands. However, I would relate it to me personally as just another physical tie telling me that a sensible health program would lead to no nerve problems, because I have a physical dis-ease that resides in my nerves (which was actually present this morning when I pulled this card). And finally, the card, when referencing pentacles for finance indicates wealth being obtained by solid, logical action. Which is perfectly pointed toward my issues with the Studio making money.

It’s all there. Right there in that one single card. Divine guidance in a silly muscled man standing half-naked in a library. I’m gonna let him hang out on my altar for a while until I can figure out how to put all that guidance to work. Clear and positive thinking and a straightforward approach to my health, and the same thing applied to my business.

Let’s do it people. One, two, three… BREAK!

dogma

The more I live my faith the more I’m realizing that it is a living faith. One reason that I have difficulty practicing consistently with groups is because I love the freedom and spontaneity in the moment. I do not adhere to text from the latest masterpiece of modern witchcraft because it is theirs not mine. Yes, I gain inspiration and at times greater insight but please do not tell me that it must be done this way or else. Or else what? How can I have a personal relationship with Spirit if I am merely following your orders? Yes I do have some minor issues with authority, how can you tell? I believe in authenticity. I believe we are blessed to have these ancient traditions and modern translations, but as guides, not as rules. To each their own personal interpretation.

It baffles me that there are those in the pagan community that will sit there and judge you because of how you define things and how you choose to actively live your path. Are you kidding me? Have we not, as pagans, undergone enough persecutions and judgment from other religious misunderstandings that now we have to attack each other from within. Are you that insecure in your faith?

I’m ranting.

There has been a lot going on lately with people that are dear to me. Some of it I find very petty and unworthy of the attention being given to it (which is what I’m doing right now). Is it wrong to assume that pagans should have better moral values, broader minds and more expansive hearts? Yes, it is. Because we are only human. Human’s being. I can be very naive sometimes but I still cannot stop believing in the best of people.

I don’t care where you call Earth, and it doesn’t matter to me that your Athame represents Fire on your altar. It doesn’t make you any less of a witch because you don’t keep an altar or a Book of Shadows. You can’t make Esbat because you have to work? Of course that’s okay. I am not any better than you because I know my ancestry and you are not better than me because you hold a 3rd degree training in Wicca. Your tradition says what? Awesome and more power to ya. Get it?

Don’t define me. I barely define myself. Things change, and it is a beautiful thing. Be strong in your beliefs and your principles but don’t be afraid to mix things up and feel intuitively where things are in this moment. The survival of our species has been about adapting to that change. It’s how you do it that matters. We’re in this together. None of this petty bullshit matters.